Midnight musings 1

 SLEEPLESS

I walk this path alone, learning about myself, wondering why I am having such

Burning desires of you, Alone has always been good for me. I have always reinvented myself to live my dreams to achieve. All the while walking alone.I relish solitude. The peace it brings me.

 Why then when all was just the way I wanted it am I wandering down this road which isn’t going to take me anywhere particular? What lack within me, what need I never realised till now has taken over? It is good that you are, Because of you I see within me colours I didn’t even know existed. I see the burning red of desire, I see the bright orange of conception of a new me, I see yellow because your thoughts lead me to other profound discoveries about my self and I get more creative. I see a bright green bursting within, a heart that’s perhaps beating just a bit faster curiously like never before, for no one before.

 That really baffles me, because I have loved. Deeply intensely completely. Surrendered my very soul and in surrendering have painted myself in such rich beautiful colours, created. Yet the green you fill me with is different, this desire, love, what I wonder is different. Am I different? Or are you? Who are you doesn’t matter so much, what matters is who I am with you. There’s a blue all twisted within me that’s ego holding me back.Where did this ego come from? Have I the need to relearn that particular lesson again?Are you all my suppressed desires? Are you the darkness within me? Are you the me that I have never let live?

That’s ego twisting all within me and reflecting it out on you. It is after all my darkness, my suppressed desires. It is after all the me that I might have killed at the altars of my first love.Are you just incidental then to my darkness spouting roots?

Or are you the purple that colours my instincts? The purple that lets me give birth to you, in my mind. The culmination of all my wildest rawest insane desires…

 Or are you the violet of some long ago prayer that’s been answered? A prayer so secret that my cognisant mind was unaware? A soul prayer?

 You have taken over my mind, and you have coloured me in hues of the rainbow, you sap every day at my control, you reduce me to the level of red, an insane consuming desire. You expose the black within me, you invoke the white like never before…Who ever you are, you’ve given birth to this new me. Ironical really as you were born in my mind.

I wonder what you are going to do about it? More to the point what am I going to do about it? Every day that I hold this desire within is sapping me of my energies, or is this love? Does love hit you wildly and shatter the very insides of you? Can it exist in my mind, without staining any thing outside? Can you exist in my mind without being? Can you go about indifferent to me when you so consume me? Do prayers answered cause such restlessness?

 I watch all the thoughts chasing me, leaving me sleepless…and a tiny part of my mind wonders…are you aware? Or are you sleeping like a baby completely unaware? …(amazing thing really cause I haven’t ever given a thought to what anyone else was thinking till now, till you)

Mads.

Just mad thoughts chasing a mind which probably is losing it's sanity...LOL or maybe not yet.

 

As I walk this passage,

Familiar walls, unfamiliar paints,

Changed with age,

How many new coats of paint,

Since I grew up?

 

I touch the walls,

Warm with memories,

Tears, laughter, resonance all,

Of a home filled with family.

 

I used to run here once,

Now I watch this corridor,

I see the dark shadows,

The light emanating from the doors.

 

Dark and bright,

This is what life is all about,

All ending in a window of light.

When did it get difficult?

Walking through the shadow of pain and sorrow,

Into the brightness of laughter and love.

Towards the window of light.

 

These rooms where I lived,loved,

Laughed, cried,

Where my granddad read me poems,

Where he quietly died.

I look into it,

Once a part,

Now apart.

 

And this one where my grand mom cooked,

Not just food, but stories,

Of princes, and robbers,

Dragons and fairies.

Where I fought with my siblings,

Over sweet dumplings.

 

This is the step,

Where I always slipped and fell,

And brought the house down,

With my heart wrenching yell.

 

I watch these places,

From the outside,

Once so well-known,

Now so unknown,

The voices and smells die away,

I am engulfed in darkness,

And its still day.

 

It used to be so easy when I was a child…

When did it get so difficult?

Where did all the familiar faces go?

Where did all the familiar smells vanish?

Where is that girl who ran so free?

Who dreamt and lived fearlessly.

Who is this woman that walks lost,

Lost insight!

Lost in a corridor

That is a one way

And can only end up

At the window of light…

 

Paintings are feelings and thoughts expressed in colours. What was I thinking when I painted this one? What story did I want to tell? All these are questions that don't matter. Not when you are viewing it. What matters then is how you feel? What responses the painting draws from within you. Does it move you? Does it speak to you? Make you feel?
Theres such a freedom here. No correct or wrong answers. What you feel is what is. Thats your truth. Nothing else matters really.

I could tell you that this is a 4ft by 3ft acrylic painting. I could tell you what I wanted to say. But wouldn't it be more fun to let you discover your own truth about this one... Freedom is so wonderful. Feel free!